6 Things Every Man Over Thirty Should Have

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What is it to be a man? With a new era of adult confusion and gender blurring, we are challenged to define ourselves as men. Here is a definitive list of things EVERY man should have.

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1. Boobs

Every man should have someone who lets them touch boobs. I don’t care if you’re straight or gay or a snail, boobs are there and they’re at raised hand height for a reason. Find a willing person or don’t call yourself a man.

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2. Popcorn

I can hear the women out there thanking me for this one. Men, try popcorn. It’s good. How are you ever gonna raise a family or hold down a job without exploring your mouth’s potential. Admittedly popcorn is more about mouth feel than taste, but there is taste there and as a man, you should have some kind of taste I hope.

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3. Eyes

Get some eyes! they really make a difference. I need my eyes (like most men) because I am completely color deaf.

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4. Batting Cages

If you have eyes and a working knowledge of what a batting cage is, you will know that that’s not a picture of a batting cage. You better have a working knowledge. It’s good working if you can get it. Go to a batting cage with your friends. If you’re worried about it, take your least athletic friends and just go to fail. It’s fun. Being around people and feeling a little in danger is natural and healing.

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5. Batteries

Batteries. Batteries. There’s a rhythm to the word. Batteries will soon be outdated as super-capacitors are starting to leave the labs. As they drive into the obsolete — like Bob Saget and Facebook birthday apps — they are becoming vintage and cool. So it seems the cool wave is coming and it doesn’t come without batteries.

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6. Animals to Look at

A sign of being a sociopath or psychopath is killing or torturing animals. So, I like to think every time I avoid killing or torturing an animal I am becoming better adjusted and a real man! What do you do while looking at the animals? Pretend they have brains and intentions like a person, then compare their actions to these humanoid qualities. What a hoot! e.g. “Why’s that cat eating when he just wants to commit suicide because he can’t find a job?! Silly Jerome!”

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